I’m sitting here in Nashville, Tennessee waiting for two of my very favorite humans to get off the dang plane and join me for the weekend. It’s like Christmas. Their flight doesn’t come in for another hour but I got to the city three hours ago just to feel like it’s started. I worked late last night so that I could do so, until my stomach stopped growling and moved on to screaming profanities. Okay, stomach, calm down and watch your language. I am obviously going to stuff you full of guacamole before the night is over.
It feels like Christmas when you’re a kid (okay, last year) when you wake up at five in the morning even though your parents specifically stated that you couldn’t wake them til seven. You just stare at the presents until your eyes bleed but it still feels like Christmas is going to come faster if you’re at least near and aware of the presents. Oh, you grew out of that phase? Okay, grinch.
It’s been a weird month, though, friends. And this weird month has left me craving the company of people who know me. Like, know me, know me. People who know the difference between my real anger and sarcastic anger. People who know the difference between a truly bad day and just a coffee-less day. People who can make me belly laugh effortlessly. Okay let’s just say it like it is: I really just want people I can burp and fart around. Isn’t that the kind of friendship we all dream about?
I was craving it so much that the prospect of seeing these friends is currently making me feel like it’s the best holiday of the entire year smack dab in the middle of April.
Back track to a week ago: I knew I wanted to feel known again, but I didn’t know why. So I did what every over-analyzer does. I don’t know something about my life, heart, or brain? IAMGOINGTOTHINKABOUTTHISUNTILMYBRAINEXPLODES. In the car. In the shower. While I eat. While I scroll through Instagram. (Not while I scroll through Snapchat. The new update that lets the Stories just play without stopping? IT’S LIKE A FULL-LENGTH FEATURE FILM ABOUT ALL THE PEOPLE I LOVE MOST. You’ve got my full attention, Snapchat Story Stream Thingy. Snap on.) I wish I put this much brain power into financial peace or artisanal cooking, but unfortunately, I am horribly self-obsessed. However, because of my self-obsessive and over-analyzing tendencies, I feel like I know myself pretty dang well at this point.
I figured out why I so desperately wanted to feel truly known by others.
Being truly known is being truly loved.
People who truly know me, know that I have some incredibly annoying characteristics. As of now, I can’t shake ’em. Sorry, world.
People who truly know me, know that I have some pretty ridiculous flaws. Like, straight up chronic sins. I ask for forgiveness, yeah, but let’s be honest – half the time I don’t even remember they’re there.
People who truly know me, know that I have a handful of deep-seeded insecurities. (I WILL NEVER TELL THEM TO YOU, INTERNET-WORLD. MUAHAHAHA. Plz think I’m perfect 4evr kthxbye.)
People who truly know me, know these things and choose to be my friend anyway. They choose to spend time with me anyway. They choose to love me anyway.
Or my dad’s still paying them.
Assuming (hoping) he’s stopped that, or at least lowered his rates, being known is being loved.
And none of my friends or family know all of me. I can be as vulnerable as they come, but as humans, we can only get so deep. Heck, even with all my over-analyzing, I don’t know all of me. (Though, so help me, I will continue to over-think and take inordinate amounts of Buzzfeed quizzes until I understand as much as I can.)
Jesus knows all of me. And loves me better and more than anyone else ever will.
I’m sorry if that’s too corny for you, but it’s true and it’s beautiful and sometimes the most corny things are the very things that make my heart spontaneously combust.
Enter: one of my all-time favorite worship songs. (Yes, my list of all-time favorite worship songs is miles long, pleasedontmakemechoosejustone.)
You have been and You will be
You have seen and You will see
You know when I rise and when I fall
When I come or go You see it all
You hung the stars and you move the sea
And still You know me
Nothing is hidden from Your sight
Wherever I go, You find me
You know every detail of my life
You are God and You don’t miss a thing
You memorize me
I know Jesus is worried about way more than me. I know that nothing in life is really about me at all. I know that it all goes back to giving Him glory. But I think knowing those things makes it even better. It isn’t about me yet He chooses to memorize every detail of me and love me radically anyway, from womb to tomb.
Maybe “womb to tomb” is totally already a really popular phrase, but I just realized it rhymes and works and I am just going to go ahead and say that I made it up.
Tata for now, friends.